Good morning errybody!
Better late than never right?
I'm a little discombobulated because Ostara and I have been relocated while the floors in our apartment are being refinished. There'll def be some sick before and after photos coming soon as we continue to work on the apartment. Moving Ostara to a hotel and then to my friend's place for two weeks away from home has been dramatic, to say the least, but also fun. We spent a few days at the Empire Hotel and got upgraded to a suite for a pretty epic staycation with a rooftop pool and everything. Now we're in our friend's cute studio in Hell's Kitchen surrounded by tasty vegan restaurants and new places to explore.
I'm currently typing this in a bougie af sitting area at the Hudson Yards Equinox with a huge gash in my right hand from trying to get Ostara into the carrier. Highs and lows, y'all.
On the topic of Equinox, I'm processing some thoughts on the nature of luxury and how it relates to materialism and expense. I'm a big fan of disrupting the belief that shifting towards egalitarianism in society means giving up luxury. It doesn't! I feel the inclination to go live on this topic soon, a social media format I've been experimenting with recently.
Earlier this week I went live to discuss the concept of rights, which seems to be befuddling a lot of people as we all process the implications of the Roe v. Wade overturn. It's absolutely vital that we get clear on the nature of the discussions we're having, what reason consists of, the difference between facts and opinions, and what a society is and is for, in order to have better conversations about how to structure this world we're living in.
I'm currently working through emotional blocks around putting my thoughts out on social media. Social media is weird af. So, any and all encouragement is appreciated <3
I'll probably go live regarding some thoughts I'm having about social media and how to use it, as well.
Tepache, people! Get on board. I've known this traditional Mexican fermented pineapple drink existed for a while, but I had never tried it. Until... I found a can of it at my local bodega and my life was changed forever. Throw all of the kombucha into the sea. This is the shit. It's not sour, it's not overly sweet, it's just super delicious and refreshing and tropical tasting with a hint of cinnamon- y spice. The flavor is very mild, so if you like strong flavors, this might not be your jam... but this is like the lager of fermented beverages: hyper drinkable, light, refreshing, and summery. You can bet that I'll be making up some tepache cocktails this summer, especially once I fix up the bar area in the apartment. I've tried the original and the mango chili and I preferred the latter because the flavor was just slightly sweeter and stronger.
This last ten months or so, I've been on a journey focused very heavily on self-worth and authenticity. The results of that have been astronomical. So many things in my life have changed. The process has involved a lot of boundary setting, but recently, something clicked for me in a new way. All of a sudden, boundaries are way easier to feel, to articulate, and to maintain. And, I know this will only get better.
Here's a tip: if you find yourself complaining about someone's behavior, you probably have a boundary issue. I don't vent to my friends anymore, because I don't accept or tolerate behavior from other people in my life that I would traditionally have vented about. I don't try to change them, I just say, "no thanks," and don't participate in it. Having boundaries also allows me to have compassion for other people and understand that their behavior towards me isn't right or wrong, it just doesn't work for me.
Something else I think doesn't get spoken about enough is how to deal with other peoples' lack of boundaries. The authenticity and radical self-acceptance work I've been doing has helped me to stop internalizing other peoples' urge to blame me for their lack of boundaries and emotional triggers. When other people lack boundaries, they can blame us for their discomfort and try to make us think we're doing something wrong, instead of taking responsibility for their own reactivity, asking for what they want instead, or setting boundaries around behaviors that don't work for them.
When you're wondering if you're the asshole, remember that the only person you need to change for is you. You are the best judge of your own character. If you don't agree with someone's criticism, politely decline their feedback.
If boundaries are befuddling to you, here's an example: a friend recently told me there was, "no easy way out," of a conversation we were having. He was projecting that somehow I was forcing him to be there, even though he kept having the conversation with me, never opted out or asked for something different. When he finally got fed up, he started to blame me, saying that these kinds of conversations were a thing I needed to change about myself in order to avoid pushing other people away. Here's how to look at the boundaries from both sides:
From my side: I've developed enough self love to know that I don't need to please everyone, and that I value deep, sometimes tough conversations. If some people are deterred by that, they're not my people. I declined to internalize the message that I needed to change and asked him to manage his own boundaries instead of asking me to change.
From his side: the easy way out is as simple as, "I don't feel like having this conversation right now, but I love you!" Boom. Problem solved.
Where in your life might you be making things harder than they need to be by blaming other people for situations you absolutely have the power to opt out of? #boundaries
3. Send Foodz
I'm late to the game on this Youtube-based food show. I found it while searching for vegan food show episodes, as I recently became vegan again and don't you think it's weird af that there are absolutely no completely vegan food shows?? It's wild. Apparently there are a few in the works. Even though Send Foodz isn't completely vegan, it's hilarious, and I need to laugh more. Check it out.
4. Curating Social Media
My outlook on society and social media has changed significantly since I started curating my feeds by only following people that inspire and uplift me or whose thought is nuanced. Despite the polarization and vitriol we all know is happening all over the internet, there are a ton of people doing good work. I believe that we are in a phase of our development as a society during which we are educating ourselves. Our government, societal structure, economy, and education system are stuck in old paradigms that many of us have already evolved beyond, and we are using the tool of the internet and social media to re-educate ourselves. Use your social media as a place to get educated and inspired by curating your feed to reflect the world you want to see and the person you want to be. Thank me later.
5. The Only Salad Dressing You Will Ever Need
In summer, salads are a vibe. I tend not to buy veggies in summer that need to be cooked. Who can be bothered to apply heat to things when it's hot af outside? Just let me chop some shit up, throw it in a bowl, and hit it with the ultimate of all dressings. I also put this on steamed or roasted veggies in the winter. Frankly, this combination tastes good on literally anything, but I love it most on salad:
Bragg's liquid aminos
That's it. I'm not going to give measurements bc if you can't eyeball seasoning to taste, there's no hope for you. I typically chop some mixed greens and top them with seasonal veggies. Cucumbers and tomatoes are a classic. I almost always add a fermented veggie like kimchi or sauerkraut. I've also been feeling celery, radishes, and snap peas, recently. I got some cool looking purple snap peas this week. Nom nom. Buy local and seasonal. Put it in a big bowl. Drizzle with olive oil. Press 1/2 to 1 lemon in a citrus squeezer over the pile. Sprinkle with Bragg's to taste. Crack some fresh pepper over it. Destroy with your mouth.
6. Kim Anami
Family members who are uncomfortable with the topic of sex, look away. Or just skip this part.
I have reached a breaking point. I'll probably do an entire blog post on this, so I'll try not to go into too much detail, but 5 or so years ago after I exited my last extremely toxic relationship, I took some time to reflect. One of the things I realized during that time of reflection is that I had very, very rarely had sexual experiences with men where I really felt that my experience was as important to them as their own. I vowed to change this. I went through a very long period of celibacy and eventually did start meeting men who were more intentional and generous in bed. But let's get clear on one thing: there is a way to be giving without being generous. I have no patience for people who view giving pleasure as some kind of game their trying to win for their own ego. The number of men I have met who were patient and generous are very, very few.
I've been single for a while. Recently I've been on a couple of dates and I've noticed one very disconcerting trend. As soon as things escalate to anything physical, these adult men become impulsive and selfish. It's such a turn-off. But it's so ubiquitous that they try to push and escalate that I actually briefly slid back into a faze of wondering whether I'm being too hard on them. This is just how men are, right? Naw.
There are only two men in my entire sexual history who never pushed to escalate things and who really gave me the space to lean in. Who really paid attention to what I wanted, first and foremost. That's sad af. But I'm not going to let it discourage me. I've decided not to accept that. So from now on, I'm actively seeking out people who believe in being intentional with their sexuality. There's more I want to say about this but I'm honestly still squeamish about who reads this newsletter so, I'll figure that out later.
At the moment, my plan is to accept that most guys are not intentional and not in control of their sexuality, so I need to put myself in spaces where I find people that are. The best thing I can think of right now is the tantra community so, I'll be looking more into that. If you're a man feeling low key called out by this, check out Tantra. Sacred sexuality is the way to go.
The other component of my plan is to have a better self love practice, so I can embody my sexuality, while single, without having to stoop to "junk food sex" as Kim Anami calls it.
Speaking of curating social media, following people who advocate for a healthier relationship to sex is a great way to enhance your social media experience. I don't love everything that Kim Anami says, but what I do love is a game-changer and a constant reminder to have higher standards.
Sexual energy is magnetic and enhances your creativity. So, while I'm single, I'm dating myself better. And I'm not dating "normal" people anymore. I will never go back to people who don't have a sacred, spiritual, slow, intentional, and reverent relationship to sex and sexual energy. My dating pool just got way smaller, but also way better.
That's it for this week my lovelies! I'm excited to move through some blocks and become more prolific with my voice. Send me all the encouragement. Love y'all.